My run in with mother nature (Recalled from 2007)

Chapter 1 Our Guest....

We have a guest. A four legged, armour plated, digging machine. I've named him....Dr. Evil the armadillo. He has been systematically destroying my front yard for the past month now. Every night, he visits my front yard while I sleep....Digging, destroying, devastating my once beautiful grass. For those of you who know us, know that at the end of the month we are finally having our wedding.....Well the reception will be held at our home. Hence, why I am so upset by this unwanted landscape artist....Rick has stayed up trying to catch this little bastard. The first night, he didn't show up. but my dear neighbor dressed up in a cardboard and duct tape armadillo outfit and teased him.....The second night, Rick fell asleep on the couch before me. I looked out the window at about 1 am and guess who was there? Yuppers, Dr. Evil the Armadillo....I woke Rick up and he grabbed his shoes and shovel (He was gonna play baseball with the armadillos head) and ran outside. Now who was to know that an armadillo can go from 1-60 in 1.2 seconds??? Those little bastards are fast as hell!!!!!!Rick didn't catch the critter....Got mad.....Went to Home Depot and got a humane trap (So when we catch him, we can submerge him in the pond and he cant escape his ultimate death!!!! HA HA HA) and other Armadillo repellents....This armadillo has caused me great torment.....Pray everyone that we catch him tonight. my sanity counts on it....



Chapter 2 (a few days later) ARMADILLO UPDATE!

I caught a fucking cat last night in my trap....At least I know the damn thing works....Will try again tonight....



Chapter 3 Armadillo Funeral...

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to say goodbye to Dr. Evil the Armadillo and to celebrate his death.He was known to many with a variety of names such as: *&%^$@ or #$%^ *^%& and also @&!$%#. He constantly brought emotion into all of our lives, frustration, anger, sadness, and ultimately mental instability.Nervous breakdowns were left in his wake, along with destroyed lawns, gardens and shattered illusions of manhood (that would be lost by the inability to catch a 10 pound mammal, even with being armed with the most advanced weapons and today's technology). This creature outsmarted the most brilliant of men: scientist, hunters, and my army Ranger, reducing them to shovel wielding lunatics. By no means a "dumb" animal, Dr. Evil thrived, grew, and even expanded his territory of destruction to encompass many blocks in the neighborhood....He is to be admired for his determination and longevity. My sleepless nights will be replaced with dreams of a beautiful green, lush lawn once again. My countless wakings in the middle of the night to check my lawn will be replaced with more snuggle time with my armadillo hunting husband. I will no longer need to replant my shredded lawn, and I can do away with the "medications" the Dr. has prescribed me for the eye tics..Though I truly felt special, knowing my grubs tasted better then my neighbors, that my yard was his favorite work of art. Knowing Dr. Evil chose my lawn to convert to his "restaurant" every evening for almost 2 months, I find it difficult to say I will miss him.Though I wish his "removal" would have been less traumatic for him, I am so very happy to report that he is no longer on my list of stressors....



Chapter 4

How he died.... This morning I woke up at 730 am as usual. I wake my daughter up to begin getting ready for school. I make my way into my office so I can go thru my daily routine of spam deletion and silly Myspace surveys. As usual, I lean and turn on my small TV to watch the days news. Nothing exciting to report. I lean the other way to open my blinds to survey my neighborhood. As I look out I see HORROR.For the last 2 weeks I have had NO ARMADILLO ACTIVITY, I chalked it up to the new Humane Trap sitting in my front yard for all to see. Baited with cat food, over ripe fruit and worms (all things the "experts" say entice armadillos). The only luck I have had since spending a fortune on the trap, lawn chemicals for the grubs, and Castor oil spray (supposedly repels armadillos) was one day I went to turn on my sprinkler only to notice a grey and white Tomcat in the trap. Dodging the claws and teeth and listening to the hissing and spitting, I released the cat back into the neighborhood, only to have it turn up a suspect in the urination incident in a neighbors garage....Opps! Utterly disgusted, I can't trap a damn animal whose brain is the size of a chick pea, I threw the cage to the side.Anyways, back to this morning....I look outside my window and I am horrified to see the all too familiar holes in my lawn and grass strewn everywhere, which by the way, HAD finally started to turn green and grow back in some places. I scan the lawn to take inventory of the destruction and of my days work of replanting the grass, etc. Then my gaze falls upon a small grey creature with his head buried up to his shell in my lawn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT DO I DO????? My heart is racing, I panic....I call....Christine! (Like she is gonna go scare it away, yeah OK) She is as I suspected, no assistance and we hang up. I call my DH who is at work and leave a message. Still nothing! I look back outside and see the armadillo has now reached my neighbors yard, working his way back to his burrow no doubt! Hmmmmmm, that neighbor is home, he'll scare it away!My neighbor answers the phone and I inform him of the damage being done to his lawn as we speak, he quickly hangs up....I run outside to see what events will unfold. This neighbor has also had it with the armadillo....Now, seeing a man in BDUs holding a shovel above his head is quite intimidating if you ask me...Even this neighbor being very quiet and sweet, he was scary! I am of course, no help to the neighbor, I am laughing and giving play by play of the armadillos where-abouts and my neighbors lack of "getting him" yet....The armadillo sees my neighbor, and immediately darts under his new SUV (Yes the same New SUV that my DH spared a couple weeks ago from smashing when he was chasing same said armadillo). I scream to my neighbor that the armadillo is heading for his front door. My neighbor disappears behind his house, at this time the 'dillo heads for the opposite side of the house. I am waiting patiently to see what happens. Now this neighbor is what I call a girly man....Not gay at all, but very feminine in my eyes. To see him run brought amazement to my eyes! He is no spring chicken either, so his agility and speed left me agape! I have to make a mental note to inform his wife how impressed I was with his armadillo chasing abilities!Now, this armadillo is quite versed at this game of cat and mouse...An old pro it seemed....But this time, when he tried to escape, he had a lapse in judgement. He sized up his competition poorly...The armadillo rounded the corner at the same time my neighbor did. There was a human wielding a shovel blocking his way to his burrow.....It seemed like hours, both staring at each other, breathing heavy, hearts racing, not knowing what to do. You could cut the tension in the air with a knife. I watch, wondering....who will flinch first....The armadillo at this point takes off - trying to go around my neighbor, who has apparently anticipated this move and is now running circles around the armadillo.....I am still holding my breath, watching this unfold from my driveway, scared to go any closer......I see my neighbor start swinging at the armadillo and all I hear is clanking of shell and metal.....The armadillo has a wonderful defense system in place for just such occasions, he has a shell of armour on the outside to protect him against teeth, claws and apparently shovels! They curl up in to tight little balls to protect themselves from attack. Quite ingenious if you ask me, especially for an animals that doesn't fight or bite.....I'll stop the story here, cause this is the point where the Georgia gnats were eating me alive. I retreated to my home to get ready for work and to call DH again to tell him of the armadillo adventure today....Oh, by the way. The armadillo lost this battle and his head. Apparently he peeked out when my neighbor was still standing there with the shovel! It was rather disturbing too.....So Ill leave out the gory details!

Chapter 5 (a couple months down the road)The SNAKE!





OK so the day starts out with me working in my yard. Which I LOVE TO DO....It keeps my busy, and I feel as if I have accomplished something when I am finished. I start by weed whacking around my gardens...I have quite a few....Rose, and English garden theme one, a butterfly garden and my favorite, my Vegetable garden...I kneel in front of my veggie garden and start pulling weeds. Oblivious to everything around me apparently.....I reach for what I "assume" is a funny looking twig that had fallen in the garden...and lo and behold, it was a FREAKING SNAKE! Now we all know what an animal lover I am....Right? Yeah well, those feelings all go out the window with the reptilian classifications...lol Anyways, it stands up....YES, it stood up, and it had a huge frog in its mouth! At this moment, I was about 10 feet in the air, screaming bloody murder.....I ran as fast as I could....That thing seemed 10 feet long! But honestly in actuality, it was maybe 1 1/2 feet, lol....Back to the story, I go inside, huffing and puffing, holding my chest. My daughter, bless her heart, is thinking mom is having a heart attack....I scream to her "SNAKE"! and immediately, her and her best friend race out the door to see it. How can my daughter be so brave and belong to me????????By the time I work up the courage to go back to the "Death Bed" my daughter and her friend are amazed at the sight before them....The snake has the legs of the frog in its mouth and is slowly trying to eat the rest of it. And to our amazement, the Frog seems fine with his fate! Just breathing, sitting there, almost oblivious to the imminent DEATH ahead of him.....lol My daughter, being my daughter, asks if she can save the frog. How sweet is that? I tell her its a circle of life and to let it be. When in side I was screaming to free the frog. But by the looks of it, the frogs back legs are already TOAST, and he would eventually die of starvation if we saved him....So I stop the rescue....By now, my daughters friends mother is here with me. Watching the frogs demise....All while we are moaning and groaning how gross this whole situation is. But we stand fast and watch. I felt guilty a few times. Watching a creature die, and I had the means to save it. But I didn't. I got over that real quick though. lol Anyways, we leave the snake to digest its meal once the front legs were devoured......Fast forward an hour now......I send the girls outside to see if the coast is clear, I have to go retrieve my weed whacker, which was left out by the veggie garden when I noticed the snake, and I needed to turn on the sprinklers.....The girls go outside and search for the snake, and give the all clear. LIARS.I put the weed whacker away and work my way over to the sprinklers, placing them exactly where I want them.....By now I am feeling quite confidant that the snake and his digesting meal are far away, not really paying attention anymore to my steps....Happy the day is sunny and not too hot....lol I reach down to turn on the water.....And what do you think is sitting there at the spigot? Curled up? Fat and happy? YES MA'AM.....Mr. SNAKE.Now I don't know if reptile shave any thoughts beyond survival, but I swear this snake was now stalking me! My heart once again stops, and I screw and jump back. Next thing I know, my daughter and her friend are back at my side asking where the snake is! (Apparently I have a scream that says "SNAKE SNAKE SNAKE"!)I point and run. I send the girls to the neighbors houses trying to locate a male neighbor to remove said snake. I have by now HAD ENOUGH SNAKE FOR THE DAY! LOL After much looking, we find a neighbor and his father, they come over with rakes and shovels and remove the snake. Now mind you they didn't kill it, just tossed it in the wood line.....To return at a later date and scare the living shit out of me again.....



Chapter 6 The Mole.MOLE-Y MOLE-Y MOLE-Y...


I have a mole. In my back yard. We had an agreement that he would stay in the area I could not immediately see from my kitchen window OR my back door. Today, while letting my dog out the door, I noticed a dirt ridge running parallel with my patio......He broke our agreement, he betrayed my trust, he has ruined my grass!!!!!!!!!!! THAT BASTARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Last week, I buried poison, made just for Moles.....It didn't kill him apparently......He is immune and laughing at me. When I sleep at night, I can hear his giggles from my bedroom window. He knows about the Armadillo from last year. I bet the Armadillos siblings are paying him in grubs to destroy what is left of my mind. They also saw Rick leave for Iraq. They know I will not chase them like Rick did with a shovel above my head screaming like some Mongolian Warrior on Steroids......They THINK they will win this year.....But I am prepared.See, the man at the Hardware store informed me about something called LYE. Apparently it can kill an elephant. Well, it should work, I have elephant MOLES destroying what I worked all summer in 100 degree heat to upkeep and keep beautiful in honor of my sweet, but absent husband. I am about to depart on a mercenary mission of death. I have a spade shovel and a bottle of lye and the determination of Noah building his Ark!Wish me luck, and if by chance, I do not return, know I love each one of you and visiting hours at the insane asylum are on Tuesdays and Thursdays from 3-5 pm and Saturdays from 9-2.Peace out!


Chapter 7 F*cking Dog....


Here is the day that I have had with my demon seed of a dog.....enjoy at my expense....Chief is so cute, but he is a little fuck. Let me tell you just about today, this isn't even touching on what he has done the rest of the week. I swear my dog has ADD/HD!He HAD a stuffed monkey that cost me a freaking arm and a leg. He loved it but had been chewing on it. Well I was laying on the couch when he jumped up and laid the monkey on my chest wanting me to throw it, Fine, if I throw it will you go away? That is when I notice "the injury". He had eaten the ear right off the poor monkey! fucking dog.So first things first, I throw the damn monkey into the trash, which really pissed me off. Second, I grab the good ole Hydrogen Peroxide and my 5 cc syringe I keep just because my dog is an idiot and eats everything that isn't nailed down on a daily basis! So I take the mutt (ok ok the $1000 mutt) outside for what mommy calls "Item Retrieval Time"! I give him the 10ccs of HP that it takes to make him give me back whatever it is he has eaten on that given day, and I wait. And wait. and wait. Twenty minutes later I see him heaving and what do you know? He pukes up MONKEY EARS! So I take a stick and retrieve it from the foamy contents of his tummy and I toss it in the garbage. I go back to double check I got everything and lo and behold, there is an assortment of stick fragments and leaves and food, and some things I don't even wanna know what they were....I wait a while longer and take him inside....Now some might think the story ends here, but it doesn't....Nope, not in my life!!!! I lay back down, thinking "NOW I CAN RELAX". WRONG. He proceeds to puke all over my NEW RUG!!!!!!!!!!! fucking dog. I toss him into his bed and then spend the next 2 hours cleaning all the mucousy grossness he has expelled on my pretty dining room carpet.So I lay down AGAIN. Dog is asleep, and if he ain't, I don't give a shit, he can puke in his cage for all I care at this point! So I lay down, watching my DEADLIEST CATCH (hubba hubba, love a man that smells like a hookers crotch. that's fishy for all you land lubbers!) When the Sirens start blaring. TORNADO!!!!!!!! lol Can't a girl get a fucking break?????????????????????????????????So after sitting in the closet for 30 minutes, I finally emerge unscathed and even more tired then before. But ok, NOW I can relax....PSYCH!!! My dog proceeds to bark that he needs to pee pee. So I let him outside and oh by the way, his shock collar needs new batteries and I think he knows this, cause he immediately ran UNDER my shed. Which for those of you who don't know it, but I cant get him out once he goes under there. After about 20 minutes of using a branch I tore off my oak tree (yeah the neighbors probably think I lost my mind AGAIN) I am poking at him under the shed. (Picture this, Im on my knees in wet grass cussing his name) He emerges with a HUGE lump on his ass....He got bit by a wasp. fucking dog.Well, I got some Benadryl into him and now he is being such a good boy! I'm thinking I'm gonna dose everyone I come in contact with tomorrow some Benadryl and maybe I wont want to choke everyone then.....





Fucking dog better sleep tonight otherwise I might just lose it!